Unless A Kernal of Wheat falls to the Ground and Dies...

My friend called me last week and asked me this question, "Christina, when in your life (or if ever) have you ever experienced the resurrection power of Jesus Christ?" My friend is always great for making me think. WOW! That was a deep question - one I had to really think about. The first verse that popped in my mind is the verse that talks about how the same power that raised Christ from the dead also lives in us. Have I known that power? My mind went in every direction over the past 2 years of how I have been on this journey of knowing that power. I wrote about it in my last post. I so desperately want to live in that power, to live knowing it is not my strength but God's. In my Spirit I knew there was so much more, and I prayed, and dug into the Word and listened to the Lord's voice as He led me through (often times not as quickly as I wanted to go).

The very next verse that came to mind was :

John 12:24
I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

I cannot even explain the process of how God worked in my heart, but in about 15 minutes I began to journal the whole process over the course of 2 years of what God was up to in all the difficulties that we have gone through - and the difficulties have lasted much longer, but my desperateness to experience the power of the Spirit to overcome the difficulties was more in the past 2 years. As I thought about that verse, it was so clear to me what God had been doing. I knew all along that it was for a purpose, and I knew I needed to surrender my rights, my frustrations, everything.....But I wasn't sure how. The process TAUGHT us how. I cannot explain it any other way. I couldn't have chosen it to be different. I had to learn it. Dave & I both had to learn it.

This verse is explained so perfectly in a book that was recently given to us, called Brokenness, by Lon Solomon. He talks about the process of how God has to break us in order to use us - I mean FULLY use us. he quotes, "Our self-life and all of its out-workings - self-trust, self-reliance, self-wisdom, self-will - are the things that increase our resistance to the Holy Spirit's movement in and through our lives." Yes, this is what I want. Not just to tap into my own strength and be useful, but operate out of the power of the Holy Spirit because I have died to myself - my self-rights, my self-reliance, my self-will. I honestly don't know how anyone gets to that point without God breaking us. I could never choose to be so dependent on my own. That has always been my desire, but one day God just hit me with the truth that I was not, and I was powerless to be where He wanted me to be and I just desperately sought Him for the answers - often times wanting formulas. Another thing Lon Solomon talks about in his book is that God does not anoint programs, He anoints people. That really hit me too, because I'm always looking for formulas to make my situation better.

He goes on to explain the verse in John 12. "A kernel of wheat with its hard outer shell intact is useless. The wheat cannot sprout and grow. There is life on the inside, but it cannot be released. However, when the wheat's hard outer shell is broken and cracked open, then the life of the wheat can come out and grow and bear fruit and bring blessing to its world. The real issue is not whether there is life inside the kernel of wheat but whether the life that is inside can get out and make an impact on the world around it. And this depends on whether its hard outer shell has been broken. Jesus points to this truth of nature and declares that it is the secret to bringing forth 'many seeds' for God. So, Jesus says, a Christ follower is just like a kernel of wheat. When we give our lives to Christ, the Holy Spirit takes up residence in our innermost being. Just like the kernel of wheat, we have the Spiritual life inside of us. But every one of us still has that hard outer shell of our self-life. The result is that the life and power of the Spirit of God can't get out - it can't flow through us. Just like physical seeds, God must break the hard outer shell of every Christ-follower so that the life of God can pulsate through us freely and spill out onto the world around us."

One life he talks about is that of D.L.Moody. D.L.Moody was already in our eyes considered a great man of God before He was broken. It seemed He lived for Christ, but there were 2 older women that thought differently. They knew Moody was not living in the power of the Holy Spirit, and although he had a great love for God, most of what he did (they felt) was in his own strength. Oh that sounds so much like me. While Moody preached, they prayed. Moody did not get it - he thought their prayers should be directed towards the congregation and not him. But one day, the great fire of Chicago came and stripped Moody of everything. He found himself alone and devastated. but his spiritual hunger remained. Here, God brought Moody to the end of himself. Here, Moody suddenly saw how much of his work in Chicago had been propelled by his own energy, power, and drive. Here, Moody confessed that he had been like Moses in the early years of Moses' life. Here, quietly, Moody surrendered himself totally to God. Moody quotes, 'Before this, I was always tugging and carrying the water myself, Now I have a river that carries me!' " One thing that truly amazes me is that after this brokenness process happened for D.L.Moody he quotes, "I went to preaching again. The sermons were not different. I did not present any new truths and yet now thousands were converted...I would not now be placed back where I was before if you were to give me the world...It would be as the small dust of the balance." WOW! that strikes me hard as I am reminded that God does not anoint a formula but a person. I have often wondered why what I am doing is not working for me, even putting forth great effort. I am convinced now more than ever, to surrender my self to God. It is His plan, His agenda. The product of the process is so worth it!

There is so much more from this book I would like to quote, but if any of this is resonating with where you are at in your journey I highly recommend getting this book.

I pray that anyone who reads this blog, and is going through this brokenness process that you be encouraged! God's agenda is for us to be free, not feel the bondage we often do. So often we resist the things that God so wants to use to teach us - right down to the small stuff. It starts with the small stuff. If there is a circumstance in your life that you seem to run away from because it is too hard, maybe a relationship you avoid because it is too difficult, I would encourage you to pray hard before you make that choice. You may be missing out on living a Spirit filled life. So many choices I have had to make in my life were the more difficult choice, but I knew the product would be worth the process. And it so is! I have so far to go and I am excited to see what the Lord does next....

Galatians 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Somewhere in the Middle

Dave bought me the new Casting Crowns Cd for Christmas. It is awesome - they are my favorite! As I was in the van the other day (by myself which was unusual), I caught the chorus to one of the songs, called "somewhere in the Middle". It wasn't the first time I had heard the song, but for some reason the Chorus stuck out to me and I had to go back to the beginning to hear the whole thing again. The reason why this song was so awesome on that day was that it completely wrapped up all the thoughts I had been having over the past several weeks. What a battle my flesh and the Spirit within me were having.

I'll backtrack a little. In several of my posts, I talked about surrender. The Lord has had this word on my heart for probably a few years now. I knew that there were things I needed to surrender to Him, but wasn't quite sure how. (I am sorry, I can feel a long post already - but then again, do I really know any other way to do it) : ) I could LITERALLY feel the battle within. the Bible talks about this battle in Ephesians 6:12


For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

I felt this battle going on inside, and if you have never felt it, it is completely overwhelming. Your mind cannot rest. Your soul cannot know peace. Your heart cannot know joy. That frustrated me because if I do not feel rest, joy and peace, then there is something wrong in my Christian journey. The Lord promises only these things. He does not promise life to be easy but He promises peace and joy. I felt in bondage to something I could not figure out. I know the lord disciplines those He loves as He says in Hebrews and I count it joy to know that I am one of His, that He loves me enough TO discipline me. I know all hardship is for a purpose, so I embrace hardship. I don't question God for the whys I just accept there is a reason. One particular area that I felt in bondage to was in my parenting. particularly with David, as there are still so many behavioral issues to work on. This has been an area of struggle for over 10 years. Yes he is getting better and I am getting better but there was still a missing ingredient I was not getting.

Back about 2 years ago, I e-mailed my sister who was living in Ecuador at the time. I shared my heart with her as to how I was feeling. I felt at that point in my life, I had known Spiritual growth, I had known God better than I had ever know Him. My desire to know Him and please Him was at a place it had never been all my life. yet there was something more. I knew the Lord was working in my life; I saw the places He was working and I felt His presence so many times. he gave me comfort during times no one else can, and spoke so clearly through His Word on so many occasions. Yet there was still something missing - I knew there was something missing. I shared with my sister how I knew what I was missing was the Power of the Holy Spirit. I knew the Spirit lived within me, but I did not feel I was moving in the power of the Spirit. I felt so many things I was doing was in my own strength. As I type this, I am rejoicing over those tough times where I sat and cried, as it was because of those times that brought me to where I am today.

As I continued in the Word, to get to know God - the only thing I knew to do, I kept sensing the same thing from God. Over and over it came up. I know I have a post on this somewhere, but I kept hearing the Lord tell me to sow to the Spirit if I want to reap from the Spirit. While all along I would continue to question what I was doing wrong that resulted in the frustration that I felt in my heart over these issues I felt I had no control over. I wanted so badly to reap form the Spirit and did not know how to get there - how to surrender myself so the Spirit could work through me. I cannot tell you how many times in my quiet times in the mornings I just camped in Galatians. The one verse that jumped out at me every time was Galatians 3:1-3


You foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? Before your very eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified. 2I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? 3Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?

As I took this seriously and continued to sow to the Spirit (by prayer, reading the Word, and making choices that would invest in eternity as opposed to the world), I continued to ask myself the question (at times) "What am I doing wrong?" It wasn't everyday and it was oh, so subtle. It usually popped up in the area of parenting because, well, when you have a child with a disability of some sort, the problem doesn't seem to really fade that much on a day to day. You have good days and bad ones. You can even have more good ones than bad ones, which is how it was for so long. But that nagging in the heart that tells me on those bad days, my responses are only getting better because the circumstance is getting better. I learned not to be so angry, so I guess I looked at that as growth, but I still did not fell free from the anger altogether. I wanted to be free. I wanted to enjoy homeschooling as opposed to just saying "This is what I am called to do, so I'll do it until God leads me elsewhere." I did not have joy in homeschooling. I wanted joy in homeschooling.

Over the past year, another struggle became very apparent to us and that was in the area of finances. We've had our struggles but we always pulled through. We had bad weeks and good weeks. The only debt we ever incurred was due to our own mistakes. It was never an issue of lack of provision on God's part. When we went through those periods of struggle we accepted that as the Lord's discipline and once again looked at "What we are doing wrong" and try to "Work on it". Well for the first time we have gone through a season where things did not seem to be "Working out". For awhile it was so easy to trust God, and simply say, "We'll catch up - God will provide". But the provision wasn't there. Week after week, we would not receive a paycheck. Week after week we would borrow from one bank to pay another. Shifted debt. Is this the Lord's plan? "What are we doing wrong?" The question would eventually come. We have known hardship so we don't get bent out of shape easily, but one year of struggling and going into debt was starting to get annoying.

About a month or so ago, as I was praying, I literally wept with joy as I realized for the very first time in my life I wanted to know God more than I wanted something from Him. That was good - that was a good place to be. I felt I was learning a big lesson here. Almost a kind of "Surrender" I felt in my heart. That I didn't need to worry or control the money thing because God had bigger things for me to learn. Maybe I felt at that time the money would come. Maybe I learned the lesson God wanted to teach me. But I didn't. The money still did not come, and debt continued to incur. I kep thinking "Is this really God's will? I don't think God really wants us to be in debt. I think He wants to provide for us. So we MUST not be getting something here."

Last Friday morning I woke up at 5am (I normally go walking with my neighbor at 5:30, but chose not to that morning because we were going out of town that day and needed the rest for the long drive). I felt awake, so I thought I would go to the computer and see if we got a paycheck. We did, but it was $160.00. The week before was $4.24, the week before $100.00 and such has been the pattern for awhile, with a big check every once in a while. So that morning, I kind of had my own little meltdown. I was so frustrated with not being able to have money to pay our bills each week and shifting debt. I cried and prayed and cried some more. Finally I decided my anxiety was not very beneficial so I would stop thinking about it and go back to sleep. I did. When I woke up again I had a flood of thoughts and I felt the urgency to spend some time with the Lord and journal, but I did not have time. The boys needed to be home schooled, I needed to pack for our trip and leave our house by 1:30.

Our trip was just an overnight field trip with the boys to Sea World in Orlando, so we came back the next day. On the way home, I had an incident with David that really made me angry. I confessed my feelings to my friend who was in the car with me. I was even more frustrated with myself for the way I was feeling towards David.

The next morning I asked Dave to take the boys to church so I could have some time alone to pray and journal. I knew the Lord had given me thoughts on that Friday morning and I knew I needed to meditate on them, but I honestly couldn't remember what they were. So I began with prayer, and then just started journaling asking the lord to reveal as I write, what He wanted me to know. I wrote TWENTY SIX pages in my journal that morning. I don't journal often, and I never journal that much, but God had some things for me to see. As I wrote, the Lord reminded me of some things I had been reading in a book that Dave bought me for Christmas called "Dangerous Surrender" by Kay Warren. Just not to reiterate what I already wrote in our January newsletter,(If you don't receive our newsletter you can get it from our website on the side bar, "Cooke Family Website") the abbreviated version is that God convicted me of my legalistic view, that some how I can incur His blessings based on my performance. He reminded me that when I say things like "What am I doing wrong", the focus is still on myself and not on Him. Isn't that what I learned from the verses in Galatians? But I didn't think I can earn my salvation, but my actions were proving that I thought I could earn His blessings.

What God wanted was my heart. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had taken up my cross, and I had followed Christ, but I had not denied myself, in many areas. Even the motives of my heart were exposed. So much of what I do is wrapped up in what others think and I didn't even realize it. I allowed myself to be burdened by others thoughts, ideas and opinions without even being aware of it. When someone would give their opinion of someone else's parenting, blaming the parents for there children's behaviors, I would feel more pressure. The problem with me is this is how my flesh thinks. So as the Spirit began to work and steer me away from this thinking, I could go right back to it with one simple comment from someone else. I knew it was not right, but then you get with people you respect, and they feel the same way my flesh does and I pick those thoughts back up again. I felt I was on the verge of surrendering this area for some time, but was afraid that I would appear to be not doing my part somehow. What would others think?

This Friday morning, for the first time in my life, I felt I surrendered these areas to the Lord in the only way I knew how. My first commitment was to deny myself, second was to take up my cross (to embrace my circumstances, not just accept them) and follow Jesus. My prayer was, "Lord that is all I have to offer you and I pray it is an acceptable sacrifice." I actually even wrote in my journal that I was not fully convinced that what I was doing was right, but I knew since these thoughts kept coming up, that I must try this route. The other way was not working for me, so I will give it up, and knew if I was not on the right path, that the Lord would steer me back on course.

So as I am driving in my car the other day, I hear the chorus to this Casting Crowns song, and it hits me again like a ton of bricks:

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control...

I went back to listen to the whole song again. It so summarized how I have been living my life.


Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

Wow! that is how I have lived my life. Somewhere in the middle. i always wanted to be sold out for the Lord. that is my hearts desire. But I was so caught up in a legalistic mindset. And if I wasn't fully convinced of my surrender last Sunday, I am today. Not only did this song confirm that "My efforts" were just a way to keep control, I went to a women's conference Fri. eve. & Sat. that confirmed everything so beautifully. I would love to write more on the conference, but I will save that for another post - I think this one is long enough.

In the past couple of journal entries I have written, I have mentioned how I can taste Freedom. Today I can honestly say, I feel freedom. How can you feel freedom when you've lost all control? I fully admit I don't have a clue in so many areas, and I thought having the answers proved my maturity somehow. If not having answers makes me immature, then that is what I am. But I feel free. And I believe that is how God wants me to feel. I actually feel more energized to serve Him, and more equipped to serve Him, because now, I no longer rely on the resources that I have, but on what He does through me. This next verse will remain my motto for awhile.


Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Oh, Lord, I am overwhelmed by your grace. it is so hard for my sinful flesh to accept that you love me like you do, and expect no duty to perform any task to earn anything from you. What a gift. All you ask for is me. I give you all I've got. Do in me, what only you can do!

To the God of grace who is able to keep me from falling........

Live Nativity

Since our website is not allowing us to add pictures for some reason, I am putting them on the blog for now. The following are pictures from the "Live Nativity" that our family did for Cornerstone Kitchens. (I couldn't figure out how to get the top picture below the others....but it's cute enough to be on top). That is my nephew Caden. He really wasn't supposed to be baby Jesus, but he just happened to fall asleep so we "placed him in the manger". : ) More pictures to come....

Updates

Sorry we are so bad at posting new blogs. I just posted a bunch of pictures on our website (you can click on it from the side bar). We will post some more soon of pictures from the live Nativity that our family did last Saturday and again this coming Saturday. Samuel was the cutest Shepherd ever! Speaking of Samuel, he is at my side right now, determined to read EVERY Community Chest card and Chance card form the Monopoly game. He actually can read most of the words. I am just impressed that he can endure a whole game of Monopoly on his own. Sometimes, he wants to quit (especially when he loses, which is every time), but we don't let him, and he continues to want to play with his brothers. He's learning good math skills as well, as he counts his money, which makes me feel better since we gave them the month of December off from school. Can you call it school if they are reading and doing math and learning all about the real estate world? : ) It just makes me feel better to think that. We decided that things were getting a bit crazy around here, so we thought a break would be good for all of us, and work on some character issues and have some fun together.

After our vacation to NC (we leave Christmas Day), we will come back and hit the ground running again. It has been a good month for reflecting - especially my trip to NY last week. I SO needed that and the Lord opened my eyes to see some things that I needed to see. I will also post pictures from that trip as well. I have to wait for Dave to put them on the computer because I don't know how to do that part. : )

Blessings to you all and pray you have a Merry Christmas! May Christ be truly honored in your lives this Holiday season...

Giving Thanks

We just returned home from Dave's parents in North Carolina. I don't know what it is, but every time we go there, we just have a great time - and we pretty much just relax. Dave's parents are so great, and after hearing some thanksgiving stories of my friends and family, I am SO thankful for my in-laws. We can't wait to go back on Christmas day to see the rest of the family. Our boys are looking forward to it almost as much as we are. : )

We began a couple of new traditions this year for Thanksgiving, and prayerfully will do similar things for all the holidays. We seem to get so caught up in the preparations FOR the holiday that we often skip the PURPOSE of the holiday. We really want to make memories for our kids to truly embrace the meaning of WHY we celebrate these holidays. We got a few ides from the FamilyLife website. We purchased the Thanksgiving book by Barbara Rainey that explains the whole story of the pilgrims and read it to the boys over the course of a few days (I think I was sleeping in elementary school when we learned all that, because other than the pilgrim's coming over on the Mayflower, I did not know a whole lot. And while Dave was reading, I was the only one asking questions) : ) One thing we did was had the boys trace their hand on a piece of paper and Dave made a turkey out of it. Then we wrote 5 things (one on each finger) we were thankful for, for each person that would be around the table. The boys colored them and then we matted them and had them laminated for place mats (I will put pictures on our website soon). It was a great exercise and helps us to appreciate even those we don't know so well. Another thing we did, was we all wrote 5 things we were thankful for on an index card before dinner. We had 5 kernels of corn on each plate (a reminder of the daily rations that the pilgrim's had to live on) and as we passed a basket each person would drop a kernel of corn and say one thing they were thankful for. The basket went around 5 times. It was great to hear 65 different things of gratitude. I loved hearing my boys being thankful for Jesus.

At this time, I am thankful for so many things. One thing is in response to the last post. God has really been stretching us in the area of finances, and we have learned to live on less rations as well. Not nearly where the pilgrims were, so that made me extremely grateful as we read their story. Our boys have been aware of the struggle because there has been many times we had to say no to things because we could not spend the money. I think this has been the best thing for all of us - I think it has really developed a attitude of gratitude in all of us. I will explain: The Friday before we left for NC, we received a very large paycheck. It was enough to pay back the 2 weeks we were behind and pay the all the bills for the week. There was extra money as well. Oh the temptation to want to go out and celebrate. But instead, we thought it wise to fund the envelopes for the rest of our bills for the month, which we were able to do. What a blessing that was! While we were away, Dave received another paycheck,and since our bills were already paid for the month, we decided to put money in an envelope for Christmas.

Our plans for Christmas this year is to go to the Children's Home on Christmas morning and spend the day with the 7 children in the Foster home. Ever since we began the tradition of either going to South America for Christmas to the give Christmas to the kids, or just sending them gifts, we all (my whole extended family) want to somehow keep up with that type of tradition. My sister is organizing it and got a list of things that the home needs. The other night, I told my boys that we had set a certain amount of money aside for Christmas for them. I asked them if they wanted us to buy them gifts or use it for the kids in the home. Without giving it one thought, they said, "Give it to the kids, we don't need anything." I thought that was awesome, but didn't know if they were just trying to say the right thing. So I said, "Let's just say that mommy and daddy were going to buy you a Wii (the video game system they really want) for Christmas, would you still make the same decision?" David and Jonathan both said that although that makes it harder, they felt in their heart, that we should give it to the kids. I could not have felt prouder of them. In spite of our sin and selfishness, God continues to work in the hearts of our boys and it humbles me. I WOULD NOT have made that choice if I were them. And I take no credit for the decision they made.

So we decided to go shopping yesterday for some items on the list and the boys helped pick out the stuff. We were looking for a good family movie to buy for the home, and we came across the shelf of Christmas movies. I picked up a Dennis The Mennis Christmas movie and said, "Oh that looks cute." Jonathan said, "Mommy we didn't come here to shop for us" (something I had said to Samuel several times already). David replied, "Jonathan, mommy can buy us a movie if she wants to." In which Jonathan said, "We don't need it, we have enough stuff." So needless to say, I put it back.

You know, sometimes I feel so inadequate as a parent and wonder if I am really pleasing God with the raising of my children. Sometimes, particularly with David, I feel so out of my league with how to teach and train him. I am still trying to figure out what "Surrender" really means in the area of parenting. Sometimes I feel like Job when his friends had a lot of opinions about why he was suffering, only I actually believe them. It is a difficult battle to simply trust God with your life, instead of trying to control it. I used to be so prideful before I had children. I thought I had all the answers. Now I feel like I don't have any, and it is often overwhelming. I know the Lord had pierced my heart in this area, and I still have so much to learn. I can feel the battle within. My flesh still wants to fight against what I believe the Lord is trying to teach me. I still want to control because somehow I still feel it is a reflection of me. I think God is more concerned about HIS reflection. I think too many times in the past I have made myself believe that the things I did and the choices I made was to reflect Christ when ultimately I just wanted to look good to others. God knows as well as I do, that my prideful thoughts and actions do not reflect Him in any way, as much as I may want to convince myself that they do. As long as I can hold it together on the outside, that will reflect God. I know better. That is what God has been teaching me. It is my heart He wants. And if my outward appearance looks foolish for awhile, while He gives me a heart transplant, over time, the outside will come.

I think journaling this story of my kids has helped me to see that this is just one example of what God can do when I surrender to Him. He was working when I wasn't even aware. All the worrying that I do about my parenting is so futile. I guess I thought of surrender as doing nothing. But it is not doing nothing. It is keeping a vibrant, active relationship with Jesus, and watching for when His Spirit moves in me and THEN act on it. So often I move before He does. It goes against my personality to sit back and do nothing. But I am still learning. I want nothing more than for my boys to know and love the Lord with all their heart, and the only good parent that can teach them that is God. I am the vessel He chose to use to teach them, so my job is to listen to what He tells me to do. If I am not actively seeking Him and listening, I will miss it and be found guilty of complacency and laziness. If you have a personality like mine, you understand. If you have a tendency toward complacency, you will accuse me of being too hard on myself. And I am often guilty of that. However, I feel the Lord is wanting to lift that burden off of me by asking me to simply seek His face and listen...

There is much gratitude in my heart today for the Lord and His tender mercy toward me. I am so unworthy of His love and grace. I have so far to go and I am thankful for His love and that He accepts me as I am, but loves me too much to keep me that way. His standards are high, but He never intended for me to meet them in my own strength.

I pray that I will never settle for anything less than holiness, and that I seek His face moment by moment and that the Holy Spirit will guide me through the center of God's perfect will for my life.

To the one who is able to keep me from falling......

God is good!

I know that title sounds so churchy - something someone would say when things go the way they want them to. But how about when things don't go the way we want them to? It is not as easy to say that God is good. Why is it so hard to see and know and feel God's goodness when we are hurting?

So many times in the past, I found myself praying so much harder in times of need. Deep down in my heart, I really did want to know God, but at that moment I was more desperate for His answers than simply just to know Him. It was a difficult transition from praying for God to move on my behalf, to just simply knowing Him. It's easier said than done, when you have a sick child, or you were thrown into a situation that you have no clue how to handle, or you have bills to pay and the money is not there. God has given us a greater revelation of Himself through all these difficult times. The message we continued to hear was how we needed to surrender ourselves to Him. HOW to surrender was the question. How do you lay your burdens at the foot of the cross and leave them there - without the temptation to pick them back up again?

I say all that background to get to this point. When it came to finances (with Dave working on commission most of his 11 years at Cornerstone), we have been desperate at times, but at worst, we MAYBE went a week or two without a paycheck. During that 11 years, Dave left Cornerstone to start his own business. This year was probably the most difficult financially (as we went $14,000.00 into debt), yet Spiritually, it was the best of our married years. God taught us so much that year, but interestingly, being a good steward wasn't one of them. When I say being a good steward, I do not mean just living within our means, but seeing everything that we own as belonging to God. We said it all belonged to God, but lived as if it belonged to us. It wasn't until now, that we are truly understanding that it all belongs to God.

Over the past few months, as paychecks have been slim to none, we have questioned God's provision. I began to wonder if God supplies all our needs, than what was the reason we did not have enough money to pay our bills. We prayed for provision, but did not see it coming in. Not once did we think God was not doing His part, but questioned what WE may have been doing wrong. God is a keeper of His Word, and if He says He will provide, then He will.

A few months ago I decided to look back at our past 6 months of paychecks. I realized that had we been living as tightly as we were for the past couple of months, we actually would be pretty close to on target to pay all our bills. This made us realize that only God knows what things we need to prepare for (like an economy crash), and we cannot live like it belongs to us. I don't know about others, but we don't usually prepare for a crisis.

A few weeks ago, as I was having my time with the Lord one morning, I began to pray that the Lord would provide a paycheck that week. (At that point we had gone 5 out of 7 weeks without one). It seemed that my desperateness for a paycheck was not what it was in the past, even though times were more desperate now. The reason why is because we felt God was refining our hearts SO much in this area, that I feared that getting a paycheck would send us back into our old ways. I wanted this mindset to stick. I know this may sound strange to some, but God had so much more to teach us. I remember just crying before the Lord that day, with joy, because I felt for the first time of ever coming before the Lord with any kind of desperateness, that my desire to KNOW HIM, was greater than my desire to receive something FROM Him. I felt a peace in my heart, as God reminded me of the story of Jeremiah and how He is the re-builder of ancient ruins. God put my heart to rest, that although we may struggle a little more in the area of finances, and maybe even go more into debt, that in His perfect timing He will repay it all back.

There was a time in my life I would never have wanted to share any of this (Pride). But I wanted to share this story on the other side of a miracle. After God works it all out, it is so much easier to share the story. But today, God is still God, and we KNOW He will provide. Not in the way we thought, but the lessons learned will be worth the wait. When we were financially stable, we missed so much of a hurting, dying world. We were so selfish with how we spent our money. We helped others and gave whenever we saw a need, but never did we sacrifice ourselves in order to give. God has truly humbled us during this time - especially through those who DO sacrifice to give. As we began raising support for full time ministry, we have seen so many things concerning finances. Many people are struggling financially more than ever due to the economy, yet we can see sacrifice on the part of so many.

There is so much more on this topic, but for sake of time I will end with this sweet story:

We have a precious, 78 year old woman, living in a trailer, on Social Security on our support team. She is my mentor and friend. She has been a constant source of love and encouragement in my life and honors God with how she lives her life. A few months ago, she sent us a check in the mail, saying she would pledge a certain amount monthly as long as she could afford to do it. Every month may be different, but she would try to send something. We noticed the past two months that she was sending multiple checks, and this month we received three. Knowing how little she has, I called her today to make she she understood what was going on. She had no idea this happened. She said she just writes a check every time she gets an envelope in the mail. She did not realize an envelope is immediately mailed once a check is received. At first she was concerned because she thought a check may bounce because she does not have that kind of money. Once she realized her checkbook was fine and nothing had bounced she said, "You know sweetheart, every time I write a check, I say, 'Lord, I wish I could give them so much more', and so God went ahead and did it for me."

I am so humbled by this precious woman of God, who financially had nothing her whole life and raised two children on her own who grew to know and love the Lord. As she lives the last years of her life she will never regret not having nice things, or think of all the vacations she could have gone on. God has truly provided every thing she has needed and the legacy of faith she leaves to so many, not just her own children, is something you cannot place a dollar on.

I pray I never lose sight of the reality that God has so much more to offer just by knowing Him, than any amount of money, friends, family or health. Knowing Him is truly the greatest blessing I can have. There is no greater joy than having a revelation of who God is and what He wants to show me in my life. It has been so fun to watch Him work in my husband and my boys as well.

Back in June, I posted this poem by Beth Moore. Rather than going back and finding it again, I pasted it here, because I think it so so appropriate for the topic. It just encourages me to keep trusting.

The Life I Planned

Has someone seen the life I planned?
It seems it's been replaced
I've looked in every corner
It's lost without a trace

I've found one I don't recognize
Things missing that were dear
Promises I'd hope to keep
And dreams I'd dreamed aren't here

Faces I had planned to see
Hands I planned to hold
Now absent in the pictures
Not the way I told.

Has someone seen the life I planned?
Did it get thrown away?
God took my hand from searching
Then I heard Him say

"Child, your ears have never heard
Your eyes have never seen
Eternal plans I have for you
Are more than you can dream."

"You long to walk by sight
But I'm teaching eyes to see.
I know what I am doing
'Til then, you must believe."

He's done so much, I felt ashamed
To know He heard my moans
To think I'd trade in all he's done
For plans made on my own.

I wept over His faithfulness
And how He'd proved Himself
How He'd gone beyond my dreams
And said to Him myself,

"No, my ears have never heard
My eyes have never seen
Eternal plans you have for me
And more than I could dream."

"Yes, I long to walk by sight
But you're teaching eyes to see
You know what you are doing
'Til then, I must believe."

I felt His great compassion
Mercy unrestrained
He let me mourn my losses
And showed to me my gains

I offered Him my future
And released to Him my past
I traded in my dreams
For a plan He said would last.

I get no glimpse ahead
No certainties at all
Except the presence of the One
Who will never let me fall.

Are you also searching
For a life you planned yourself?
Have you looked in every corner?
Have you checked on every shelf?

Child, your ears have never heard
Your eyes have never seen
Eternal plans I have for you
And more than you can dream.

Perhaps you long to walk by faith
But He's teaching eyes to see
He knows what He is doing
Child, step out and believe.


"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what
God has prepared for those who love Him."
1 Corinthians 2:9

Our New Website

We have finally set up our website. There is still much work to be done, but it is up. You can go to it at www.cooke.ministryhome.org . We will add a link to the side bar as well.

I am sorry I have not posted anything new in awhile (there was a request) : ) I will have to say that we have been learning much through this process but for me, some of it is so personal it literally is painful at times. In a good way, but almost embarrassing. God continues to refine my heart and I see sin that I have never seen before. Sometimes I want to look at others and say, "But God what about them?" I feel JUST LIKE MY BOYS WHEN I DO THAT. They are constantly pointing the finger at one of their brothers when they get caught arguing with each other. I will say this: This battle that I am going through spiritually is learning how to love others. And not just be kind to them or even to overlook offenses ( I'm getting really good at that) : ) But to love like Jesus loves; To see people the way Jesus sees them. Jesus loves unconditionally and when He was offended and spit upon and beaten, He loved. Enough to die for them. He had compassion and went out of His way to love. He had mercy. He had NO pride. Love is not selfish and I am learning that. I will end there and share more about that in the future. Dave has been saying forever, that he wants to post something but he is SO busy with work and raising support, he doesn't have much time. I'll get him to post something soon though.

If you are a regular visitor (or even a new visitor), we love to read your comments. It always encourages us to hear from you.

Blessings to you all.....