WOW! It has been a LONG time since I have written a blog! I chose to write today because of how grateful I am to my wonderful God! I hesitated to even name the post "A Sinner Rejoices in the goodness of her God" because I do not want to give the wrong impression that God is only good because I have something "good" to share. I will preface the fact that before I knew what I am about to tell, I was already feeling very grateful for my God and His goodness even in the midst of a very difficult time. I will be honest...much of my life has felt like a wrestling match between me & the Lord. I realize more than ever how much pride I have and why the wrestling match takes so long! If only I could "submit" sooner, and just lay myself down and say, "OK God, you win!" But I already know He wins. I am not wrestling because I want to win-to beat God so to speak. I wrestle because the only way to truly have victory is to understand the depths of my sin - the root of where each sinful act comes from. Only when I am broken over my sin, is there true lasting change. And that is why I wrestle. To be broken. I often times ask the Lord to break me quickly. But He doesn't. I typically don't stand up from my knees in prayer before the Lord saying, "Oh, NOW i see it! I see my sin!" More often, after praying for a broken and contrite heart, the Lord leads me into more circumstances that exposes my sin. He turns the heat up and more ugliness comes out. At the height of my anger, bitterness, resentment, etc. is where I feel broken. In those moments, I hate what I have become, and fall on my face before the Lord in repentance and gratitude for what His sacrifice on the cross accomplished for me. Without His grace, I would be a slave to that sin. That alone, is why the post, "A Sinner rejoices in the goodness of her God"
The past few weeks have been quite a wrestling match for me. I tend to be a pretty upbeat person, not often having down days. I am stubborn by nature. And that stubbornness refuses to allow any earthly thing to rob my joy. But there are a few things/people that are able to do that better than others. A few years ago, I wrote a blog post about this.......You can read it HERE. This magnificent child of mine continues to challenge this often times "not ready for debate mode" mama. He is smart! I am not. He is extremely intelligent! (I AM better at math than he is!) : )Just figured I'd throw myself a bone here! Honestly, God has gifted him with a mind that often times blows me away. He is very black and white, and because of that thinking, it is hard to convince him of anything once he's made up his mind. If you know him, you know what I mean! When it comes to spiritual things, it is not always black and white. Don't' get me wrong, doctrine often is. But that is another post for another day. My struggle has always been trying to get my son to understand "The bigger picture" of life. He tends to focus on politics and all the ways that our government is messed up. I agree for the most part....I just can't get caught up in always talking about it in every situation, lest we lose that bigger picture of the gospel....that there is a lost world who needs Jesus. I don't want the gospel of Christ to ever get lost in our fight against a faulty government, or being right about ANY topic, as noble as it may seem. I have found myself in many situations that I have had to back down from discussing or fighting, at the risk of losing righteousness in order to achieve it. There is a place to stand on these things, and I believe the Lord has gifted my son to perhaps fight for some of them, but hopefully never at the risk of his holy calling.
It is funny I should sound so noble in saying that I have had to back down in conversations - because I am able to do that with any other person EXCEPT for him! He is relentless on his points.....and so I am I. Lord help us both! Well, today, I received a phone call from my sister in Florida(My son is staying with her for a week during his college break) to share with me how proud I would be of my son. They were at my nephew's Tae Kwon Do class today where David was interacting with an apparently very intellectual 7 year old. This boy comes from a strong Christian family and is homeschooled. My son began a conversation with the boy while his mom shared with my sister how her heart aches over the fact that her son does not believe in God. (How can one believe in something you cannot see-pretty black and white, right?) This mom saw the intellectual conversation her son was having with my son and wondered if David would be willing to talk to this boy about God. At the time of this phone call my son was in a room with this 7 yo boy talking to him about the Lord.
I have no update to report as of yet, but I was very proud. Even more, I am humbled. I have allowed my own anger, control, bitterness, etc. etc. to continue to get in the way of what God is wanting to teach me all along. I love when God throws me these bones along the way. Not so I can be proud in a sinful way, but humbled in knowing that that God is still on the throne and He alone can open blind eyes to see. Maybe one day I will write a book of the details of that truth in my own life, but this is only a blog (on the verge of a book already!) I worried that in any given moment, my son may lose sight of "The bigger picture". But today, he did not. This may not sound like anything miraculous to anyone reading, but my heart rejoices in my God. And again, not because there is a praise to report, but because I see the magnitude of God's grace over my own sin. I worry about things I cannot control. I get angry about things that only God can change. I have wrestled over many things this past month. Heart issues are being exposed at a rate I often cannot handle. I am thankful though, because these are the things that cause me to rise early in the morning and get on my face before the Lord and beg upon His mercies to change me....to break me....to fill me with His Spirit. When I arise from those prayers, I often don't receive the answers I think I need, but I receive an intimacy that cannot be explained. My desperate need for the Lord is necessary to walk in His Spirit. I continue to wrestle. It is not easy. But there is gratitude and joy.
If the mom of this young boy could read this blog I would tell her (like I would tell anyone else struggling in life over ANY matter), that this trial you are going through is more about you than it is your situation. It is for OUR sanctification. Everything we go through is for the purpose of bringing glory and honor to our great God. God does not get glory from my life when I am full of myself. So He brings me through the fire and brings the dross to the surface.He does this in order that I may fall desperately upon His grace to change me and wrestle it out until He does. As long as there is anger, worry, fear, etc. I know I have to get back in the ring. Thank you precious Lord for your faithfulness to me. I am thankful for your mercy and grace!